The Fly Life

Only words will keep my head above water as I drown in my thoughts and feelings. When does the vicious cycle of words turning into wounds turning into spears that stab your heart and your voice then retaliates with words that turn into wounds... when does it end? I keep these feelings of defeat to myself because they need not be spoken in order to be heard. Just look into my eyes and you will see behind the tears that my heart has been robbed of the love that it has given so selflessly, never to have gotten it back in return... For love I would not give my life but for the one I love would my life be turned in for.
I would lay down my life if only my words would be heard because they are what give me my life and had I not have words with which to articulate my heart, so I would not have any life worth living. If my words were as lost as I was, I would be nothing, but it is because I am lost that my words have merit. Should I be found and in my words find myself, then my words and therefore my life will be of worth.
But if nothing comes of it, then I know that I still did my best to convey the messages that pass my mind on a daily basis and the fact that I even transposed my thoughts onto a piece of paper will be worth something. So if something that was lost is now found to never have been lost before, it only simply needed to be discovered, then these words will find purpose and break that cycle of the ones that constantly get caught in the whirlpool of water and broken glass and be arranged in a stained window that the sun will shine through and give just a little bit of clarity among the chaos.





This piece was inspired by The Stars of the Lid album entitled "And Their Refinement of the Decline".

We always search for a happy ending but there's nothing happy about an ending. So let's make it a happy never ending beginning. Keep going around in circles, since circles have no ending. Let’s dance around the point since the point is the punch line and the ending but what is the point of love? It is to love and be loved which is the reciprocal of each other so really we're just going in circles around each other. Instead of finding the point, let's find meaning in meeting each other half way and only half way because once you're half way the rest is just leaving...

Let's find decibels in silence because silence speaks volumes and actions speak louder than words, so let me scream "love" at the top of my lungs when my lips meet yours, my battle cry will carry on as my teeth tug at your ear lobe. I promise to whisper sweet nothings as my breath finds its way from your ear to your neck, speak in tongues and you can guess what comes next, sing as my body finds rhythm with yours as fitting perfectly together as harmonizing chords do...

I can almost speak right through you without saying a word. When your eyes meet mine the silence is almost deafening because we each have so much to say and no way to say it, only the means by which to show it but a picture is worth a thousand words, so I could just paint your portrait as my hands find the curve of your lips and how it matches the curve of my hip... Every detail in the strength of your shoulders as my hair falls over them and my hands continue to paint with conviction. There are no mistakes as your hand takes mine, we'll paint the perfect picture together and say what we always meant to each other as we wait for the sun to rise and dry our portrait that is worth a thousand words more than what we ever could have said to each other in a single night... or a Lifetime.

Forgive me for falling asleep on you last night
I just want to fall asleep on you at night.
Rest my head on you chest
As your fingers run through my hair...
Or maybe we could just talk until the sun comes up
And our minds and hearts are bare.
I just know I want to know you-
Inside and out.
I wanna know your body and mind
The way I do your heart.
I want to run my hands
Up the backbone of your intellect.
Wrap my arms around your shoulders
and show you what I really meant,
When I said its been forever
Since I actually felt this close
And when you tell me what's on your mind
That it will always mean the most.


Now that I've had my fix of you
I don't know where to go.
Words from more than a year ago 
echo louder than before, so here you go: 
The unbearably beautiful truth 
Of what I think of you... 
I'm scared of what you mean to me, 
Terrified that maybe we're meant to be.
I don't want to feel you next to me
because it's so good it hurts. 
But I get so lonely when you're not next to me
Cause my heart wants you as more than just a friend to me. 
Because no matter what, my heart will love unconditionally.
But my mind has to protect me from reality
Of what I see that's happening around me. 
Even when I want to say everything, I hesitate
I just want to let you know as much as I can
Before it's too late.

Lookin back 21 years of my past and wondering why the best things didn't last.
I wonder if you really saw the light in my eyes that night.

I wonder if you heard me say "I love you" for one last time.
Why didn't I hold on longer? Why didn't I look back?

I would give anything to see your face just one more time.
14 years later and I can still hear your voice perfectly.
Before I close my eyes tonight, I will pray
That I meet you in my dreams.

I will no longer let my eyes lie for me
You will know the thoughts that cross my mind every minute
If you just take the short moment.
to look into my eyes.

I don't know what to say to you. From the first time I read your words I was intrigued, but I was in an unknown land, never before have I experienced something like that. that... as time went by and I continued to crawl through the loopholes of your metaphors that are to me so real and upfront they couldn't get much closer to the truth, and the fact that they capture every bit of emotion and air from me and leave me breathless, I began to dig deeper and deeper into the jungle of your mind and somewhere in the darkest most desolate place sat the epitome of what was wrapped up in your words all along, the part of me that took what seemed like centuries to show you, was in front of me all along. as I sit and think about how your words speak volumes, they need not be told with volume in your voice, just a simple whisper in my ear will do and a gentle hand on my neck but I haven't even gotten to the lips yet... let your index finger reference the indents of my smile and your fingertips run across my lips so that part of you will stay for me to taste while my leg goes from crossed over me to encompassing you, wrapped with judgment and insecurities, it finds the safest place possible, on your lap to rest with your bones while the rest of me still filled with judgment and insecurities runs free cause that's what your words do to me and for me all while at the same time embracing my mind with the thought of you embracing me I somehow get lost in the space between our two bodies so make it disappear, hold me tight no longer with just your words but with your arms around my waist and my arms around your shoulders we'll find a way through this night of our lives that is set so gently on the city skyline by the setting sun.. the sight that I find myself gazing upon like I was gazing into your eyes feeling every emotion and transmitting them when my lips find refuge from the darkness of the sun dipped in horizon, in a reflection of my life and what my eyes cannot see, ears cannot hear, nose cannot smell nor can the voice speak.. Only the touch of skin can comprehend... but at the same time let me breathe you in, see how perfect it can look, hear your whispers or our echoed scream, those of pain and pleasure, in the moments of tribulation and ecstasy... wrap your mind in my words and my thoughts.. Then you will see me in my barest form...

there is a silence that only the street lamps could tell you.
for a brief moment after they have been put to rest
after another watchful night,
they speak of a quiet that comes from the streets
that are yet untouched by daylight.
cars only move in the distance,
but the streets that surround me are still asleep.
as the sky lightens, i do not fear the silence
because it welcomes life.
drawing children from their slumber
and people to the pavement,
this is the circle of life and the cycle
that ends and begins in this time.
a cool breeze makes its way to my window
and greets me to listen to the sound of silence,
for it is where i find peace.

My eyes map out the lines of life on your face as my fingers forge paths in the valleys that span your chest and back. My tongue explores the rapids of your kiss.. I only know your shallow. The white capped waves atop deep, deep rivers. I want to know the words and thoughts that lie on the banks. Secrets never spoken. I want to swim upstream to your earliest memories so I know where you have been, and race downstream, so I may find where you are headed. I want to dive deep into your eyes where your soul lies and your dreams fly. As I ascend my legs scale cliffs and hold onto you for dear life. I want to fill every space between your fingers with my own so that I know we're both whole. I want to be the one to make you the happiest and have the potential to make you hurt the most. I want to be the one to make you the most vulnerable, and provide you the greatest refuge from the storm. I want my insecurites to embrace your vulerabilities so that we may both be... Open.

I have only five minutes to express to you what it would take ten millenniums to verbalize, so look into my eyes and take my hand. Follow my lead and wrap your arms around me. Feel secure to rest your bones, and I promise you will never be left alone. And if you ever find yourself losing count of the stars in the sky, close your eyes and imagine me with you, that I may help you find where you left off. That I may help you find where you left. So that I may help you find... My mind travels miles to find you again.